Last night was the first time in about two weeks that I went to bed and didn’t have nightmares. I suppose that the strangest part of that is that my nightmares happen when I’m awake, not when I’m asleep. I suppose what I see in my head and what I imagine when I’m awake has always been so much worse than anything my brain could come up with asleep. It’s always been like that, ever since I was a kid. And technically I think most of my nightmares are actually called flashbacks and are part of the whole PTSD thing.
Having nightmares every time you go to bed for two weeks is not nice. It’s stressful and unpleasant and horrible and means that for the last fortnight I’ve been doing an excessive amount of yawning. And I feel like a little girl if I say it to anyone but I’ve always called them nightmares from before I knew about the whole flashback thing and that’s what they feel like. Like your brain is stuck in this place with these thoughts and you can’t control it, just watch it play out in excruciating detail. And I hate it but I can’t seem to stop it.
And I want to be able to tell someone, to be able to explain all the horrible things I see but the people I want to tell don’t seem interested – not that they need to be very interested but they do need to make some sort of indication that it’s okay for me to keep talking if I bring it up. Maybe they don’t know how bad it is because during the day I’m fine. It’s just the in between moments – before I fall asleep, driving, catching the train, walking to work or the station. And I’m worried that they’ll think it’s silly, that they won’t understand what it feels like to watch these things in my head, to imagine what will happen next and see it all and not be able to make it stop. I mean obviously they probably won’t understand exactly but I don’t want them to think I’m just worrying about stupid things when I’m not. These are legitimate concerns of mine. I live waiting for my world to fall apart because at any second it might and I have to be prepared for that.
I hate myself for the things I see in my head but at the same time I need to see them because they remind me what can happen and what will eventually happen. They ready me for the next time everything falls apart. They remind me not to ever let people break me like that again. Except at the same time I feel so reliant on people.
I am so scared that people will leave me. Not all people. Most people I could live without but some people are my lifeboats and they mean so much to me and I need them so much. More than they ever need me. I’m so scared that they’ll leave and I’ll be alone even though I know God is there but I don’t know how to feel that God is there. And so I monitor every single word I say and everything I ever do so that I am never a burden and they never have any reason to leave. That happened once and it was my fault and it broke me and I drowned. So I am caught in this terrible balancing act between relying on people enough that I don’t drown but never too much in case they leave and I drown anyway. It’s exhausting and I always feel like everything could be pulled out from beneath me at any second, like everyone has one foot out the door and the second I become too much for them they’ll leave just like the last person did.
I hate myself for needing people so much. I hate myself for being so much of a burden to them. I wish my head would shut up. Sometimes I wish I was unconscious.