Sometimes I wonder if I can think myself into a bad state.
Or if the fact that those thoughts even exist means that I was already that way.
Maybe I feel fine. Or maybe I just think I feel fine.
I am fine.
It’s just the thoughts are there and they come and I can’t always escape them.
They circle me, circle my head and then I’m drowning and I don’t know how it started.
Right now I’m good. Like, really good. The increased meds are working. I’m on a new drug to make me sleep. And I’m good. I’m better.
But sometimes, even when I’m good, there are other thoughts.
They don’t hunt me down.
I find them.
I am preoccupied by them.
I follow them round in circles.
Chase after them.
I can see it sometimes in the movies I obsess over. The books which strike me hardest. The stories and ideas which leave me hollow but always coming back for more.
I wonder if others can tell.
If they think it’s unhelpful.
How can I explain?
I do not wish to drive myself back into the tunnel. That is never the intention.
I just can’t stop.
There’s an incessant pull, a tug which just keeps drawing me in.
I want to understand all the things I can’t comprehend.
I don’t want to know why, I want to know how.
I am twelve and I live on the edge of an impending suicide. It’s a strange place to be. You start to want it. ’Go on,’ you dare him. ’If you want it so much why don’t you just do it.’ I am ready and waiting…waiting…waiting.
I am fifteen and I wake up in someone else’s body. I am asked if I feel like doing anything to hurt myself and, with all honesty, I say no. If you ask I will tell you that suicide destroyed my family and no one even died. I think it is an unbelievably selfish act because I know what it does to everyone else. I think I can promise that it is something I will never want.
It is eighteen months later and I am sixteen. I am wrong.
How can that happen?
Suicide is never the first choice. It is always the last.
It is last on the list when every other option has been rightly or wrongly discarded.
So how does that happen?
I am not laying blame on people.
I just want to know.
This is just one of the thoughts I chase.
They all ask the same question.
How did this happen?
Because if it happened once it might happen again.
I don’t want to spend my life at the top of that cliff, unsure when I’ll next trip and fall over the edge.
But, at the same time, I can never leave the cliff behind.
It defines the whole landscape.
I can’t see anything without it.
Sometimes I can’t see past it.
When it’s 1 am and my brain won’t stop following these thoughts in circles and I wonder if there’s anything beyond the cliff.
I forget that I’ve seen past it before.
And that hopefully I will again.
How does that happen?
Because I want to be repeating it over and over and over.
For the record and anyone else who is concerned, I am NOT suicidal at present. If you are then you should go tell someone. And if that person doesn’t listen, go tell another person and if that person doesn’t listen, then keep going. Even though it’s hard. Keep going till someone listens properly and does something. Because there are always other options even when you can’t see them.